Back when i knew who i was

Again and again I say this. It`s been a while and I`m not pleased about it, either. I am back where I started. Back when everything made no sense around me. For one who is loved and loves, this is a little awkward. I feel nothing. For no one. Maybe it`s just a state of mind, one of “meh”. But maybe it`s who i am. Who i really am. I never wanted to be this. I never asked to be without a soul. But now that`s how i feel. I have nothing of my own. Well, except the job I always dreamt about. But, even with that, I can`t say that I`m happy. Something happened along the way that pushed me back in time. And I don`t like it one bit what I`ve become. And still, I will not do anything about it, as it defines me. I will stay in this state of “meh” until i will break again into millions of pieces. And it will hurt like hell.

Everything passes beside me, everyone loves, hates, yells and smiles. Not me. Not anymore. I want to be myself again and there`s only one way to do that. And that is the hard way. The day when i will have peace again is too far away for me to reach. The sleep I lose now is not hurting me anymore. The walks I take are no longer for a reason. I`m too tired to even think about anything.

They say you will find your peace when you`ll get to know and trust yourself. Well, I`ll never have peace then. Save your breath. I don`t care. I never trusted myself to do anything right. Why would I start now, when I am so low? I still don`t need any help about it. I just want to be myself again.

The year is almost over and my accomplishments are too few to mention. But I will say this. As long as I have life within me, I will never let go of my will to do everything right from my point of view. Even if it takes me to my destruction. There`s nothing more to lose.

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One Response to “Back when i knew who i was”

  1. georgi Says:

    i wouldn’t say it better… believe me, in time will not get better… and the way of doing things right it isn’t in our blood… but as they say: the hope dies the last… unfortunately…

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