First things last

Although she ripped my heart out and trampled all over it, I am at peace with myself. I have learned a long time ago not to regret the things I do. Even tho` it was not my choice, I moved on. I understood what it`s like to be a kid and to live your life at the fullest. I remember myself. Surrounded by friends, there`s always something new and exciting to do. And i did it all. I mean ALL. I was a fool to deny her the same.

That being said and off my chest, I`m moving on.

I had the time of my life, maybe because I haven`t done this in a long while. I studied people around me and discovered that I`m not defined by my relationship. Yeah, Fall Out Boy said it first. You are what you love, not who loves you. I can`t get passed that for now. Always being into a relationship has broken me. I can`t see myself outside of one. All my principles, my values, my qualities mean nothing without someone to focus on. And I can`t really focus on myself. Mostly because I never did. I never was selfish. I gave it all for the one next to me and forgot to feed my own soul. I brought down the sky for you, and all you did was shrug.

But there`s a new dawn, halfway through the journey. I just need to find a new meaning. I am at my best when I have a target. I am determined only if there`s something out there on the horizon. For now, I am not happy. But I am okay with everything around me. I am not loved, but I have everything else. And above all else, I have time. I don`t need it that much, but maybe it`ll do me good. Maybe I`ll get over the “I need someone who needs me more” phase. By the way, along these last 10 or so years, no one ever bitchslapped me for searching for “damsels in distress”. The more issues, the better it was for me. I am a fixer. I need to fix and repair everything that is broken around me. I wish someone did. Just saying.

Friends and colleagues, family and acquaintances, everyone is there for a reason. You can meet someone for the first time, and in a couple of days, it`s your best friend. And you can lose friends you`ve had for 20 years for nothing. I did both. And best friends doesn`t mean they`re just there. They listen to you and see you for who you are. No matter your past, you`re someone who matters. And that`s how you don`t feel lonely or alone any more.

Finding my way is a priority now. Like walking uphill in knee-deep snow, it`s hard, but you end up in your home, where it`s warm and cozy. Nothing is impossible. The only thing standing in your way is yourself.

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