Heart skips a beat

Am I not who you`re looking for? Walking past me should help.

Maybe my standards were heightened. Maybe I could care less. I am not a nobody and I never was. I was always myself. Never lied to them. Never cheated and never wanted to harm. But when it comes to it, I am always the bad guy. Nowadays I wear it like a trophy. I always fancied myself as being on the Dark Side of the ForceIn my teens I was attracted to any who would smile to me. It was enough. Then I wandered the depths of my inner self to find a pattern I can abide to. Found it, not without struggle. She had to be a redhead (You people in the back, stop rolling your eyes. I know it was obvious), with a lovely smile, a beautiful mind and some interest towards the things I love most. They`re not many, such as Star Wars, anime, TV series, movies and music (My kind of music). Curves helped, and so did the witty and bashful retorts. So far, it seemed like an easy task. Someone to love me for who I am, and not for who they want me to become. Someone who`d need me as much as I`d need her. One that would call in the middle of the night to say You didn`t say goodnight and I Love You, asshole! Well, as easy as it seemed, it is impossible. She never had all of those. She had some and lost it on the way. One after another, they made me into a cynical and disturbed persona.

But I didn`t stop. My search continued. I moved on, year after year, relationship after relationship. Been cheated on, been thrown out, been let go easy and hard, stayed friend or made enemy. She used to be out there somewhere and I never stopped looking. As years went by, I tried harder and harder.

Today begins another chapter of the same story. I have things to look forward to. I am moving out in a couple of weeks, then Comic Con, then 30STM, then … Who knows? Maybe I`ll take photography back. And find my muse again.

Things I love stay the same. Just because something is gone doesn`t mean I lose my love for it. It only stays in my head. Hidden from the outer world. My hearts stops every time I think about it, but only for a split second. Then I remember to breathe and walk on.

I need you to look for me. I am always here and I think about you. Even tho` you don`t exist for me in this moment, I know you`re out there. Do not disappoint me. I`ve put all my faith in you.

Now I can only wait.


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